My Letter

wanderer-above-a-sea-of-fog (2)

I used to think that the work we did throughout our lives somehow mattered. That hard work brought high reward. Maybe that was how it was 30 years ago. Or maybe it was just a misperception. I wanted to believe that I would one day look back on the hard decade behind me and appreciate all the hard work I put in. All the struggles and the tears and the sheer pain of it all. That here I am, at the top of this mountain, and now I can see everything, and the answers would become obvious.
I have always been the sort of person to accept the world as it comes to me. I’ve never gone out and sought it for myself. But right now, I am being given a choice. Tomorrow, I must choose a path. And neither path is easy. If I choose to sign this paper I’ve been given, I am relinquishing all rights I have to defend myself, I am relinquishing the freedom I have as an adult, and I am relinquishing my own sense of self worth. And if I don’t sign it, I am likely going to lose my license. Because the world is black and white. There is no place here for my creativity. I made a mistake, and I’m going to pay for it. And when I lose my license because I cared, and I was strong, and I fought for myself, possibly for the first time ever, my heart will break. Break with a pain I’ve never known, because I’ve only just now found a place I fully belong.
So don’t be surprised when the day comes I don’t show up. Know that it’s not because I was bad at my job, or that I hurt anyone, or that I caused real damage. Know that it’s because I wouldn’t allow them to choose the life I was to live. Know that I’ve reached the top and I can see everything. Deep in my heart I know exactly who the fuck I am, and I am going to live the life I choose.

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