To everyone who made it special. I had admittedly been nervous about my birthday, thinking that no birthday could top my 30th in the level of love and happiness i felt, especially after the year i had. But i was proven wrong. From the birthday love and wishes on facebook, to the wonderful card from my coworkers, to the odd night full of smiles.. To everyone who showed up and reminded me that i am seen, you have filled this wounded heart with so much love. Thank you all.

I am who I am

This last year has been bad, the worst. I entered my third decade of life and I’ve hated every minute of it. I have never been faced with so many challenges to my life and personal identity. I’ve never questioned my own self so much, and felt as though I’d lost so much along the way. I’m 30 and I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. I’m 30 and I’ve never felt so lonely. But the truth in my heart, is I am who I am. Long ago I came to terms with the fact that I’m not cookie cutter. I do things my own way. And that not everybody is going to accept that, and that’s okay. I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to make others happy, that I’m not happy myself. And I’ve let people make me feel ashamed of myself. March to the beat of my own drum? The truth is, I don’t hear a drum. I bask in the sound of my own silence. And I like it. And I’m going to be okay. I’m going to have more bad years, and I’m going to have great years. In two days, my year from hell will be over, and I survived it. Today, while waiting for my coffee, late in the morning, the woman behind the counter looked at me, and told me she was proud of me. And that was all I needed. In two days, I’m going to turn 31, and I’m going to have the best year..

The little things that remind you you’re pretty, as you’re walking home from work. When a dude hits the breaks and backs up so you can cross in the crosswalk, then whistles as you pass by. I may have been uncomfortably close to campus, but I’ll take it.

Head Turner

When youre sitting outside with a friend, talking about serious stuff. And lean back in your seat just as a guy is walking by, and your metal outdoor chair with the janky armrest decides to let out the most god awful screech, making said guy jump in fear and turn around…

Hashtag: Not Exactly How I Want to be a Head Turner..😳

Sleep


I often toot the horn of my prescription sleep aide, and in truth it has helped immensely. I have a journal I kept of my sleep pattern for 2 years. Filled with what time I went to bed, what time and how many times I woke up, and what I ate or drank prior to sleeping. In short, for two years, I got pretty shitty sleep. 

For years now I have had no problems sleeping thru the night, 8 hrs or more. But lately my sleep has been troubled. Either I can’t seem to get to sleep at all, or my sleep is plagued by intense dreams. Movie quality. Completely immersing. And completely random. And it would seem a good thing, like I’m atleast getting sleep. But I wake up so endrenched with the dream. I’ve woken up sobbing. I’ve woken up terrified. I’ve woken up completely believing I’ve done things I haven’t. My dreams are so emotionally exhausting, I wake feeling like I haven’t slept at all. I’ve also woken up with sore muscles from being so tense in my sleep. 

Point is: I woke up this morning, and for a moment couldn’t move because somehow I’d pulled a muscle down the middle of my back! And it hurts like a bitch…

Burn Out

Maybe I’m just burned out. Can’t take time off for fear I’ll need my PTO soon. Or maybe it’s something else. But for the first time in 2.5 years, I’m not happy. I’m not excited to go to work and I can’t seem to give it my all. The last six months have been extremely nerve racking, but worst of all, degrading. I have never felt so belittled and insulted, by the entire process I’ve been dealing with. Especially for something I happily gave my all to. I wanted to see people get better and work towards their future. But they all just keep coming back, faster and faster. My heart has been so sick, wondering, what I’m even here for…