The Life and Times of Rose


Dating Edition:

I use Tinder, it’s true. Generally more as a tool to ground myself in the reality of my life situation. THIS is IT. 🤦🏻‍♀️…
I also use OkCupid, but admittedly haven’t been on it in ages. Everything is so much more real. Questions, percentages, algorithms… like, the fate of the world rests on the shoulders of this math equation! It’s very intense…
But alas, the app icons are right next to each other. While settling in for a depressing reality grounding session, I accidentally hit the OkCupid icon. Boom! Profile hits me in the face and the real reality scares the shit out of me and I desperately hit buttons to cut the app down before it can do any permanent damage!
But wait a sec… that guy was kind of cute…
The app opens up again. Boom! Profile hits me in the face and indeed, that guy was kind of cute. I thumb swipe thru some more pics and feel my eyebrows raise in interest. Dare I risk… looking beyond the photos to… words?
Wtf?! This guy loves animals? And “coffee” AND “beer” are listed as vital loves? Did he just use the term “macguyvering?” Oh no he didn’t just say he loves anything David Attenborough… He listens to Radiolab? Oh lord, he listens to good music…
I can’t stop reading on. And then I realize I have laughed… Not at him… Not negatively… He has made me laugh.
If you have made it thru the gauntlet of my own profile, you know I end it with the warning to only message me “if you think you can made me laugh.” (Which has unfortunately opened the door to many an awkward knock-knock or dad joke. Seriously.. I’m embarassed for you…)
And before my brain knows what my thumb is doing, I have swiped right. 😱
Followed by the heart stopping 2-3 seconds, where the blood rushes to my ears, and I hold my breath, “please please please don’t be a match…” I usually plead.
Until those seconds pass and either BOOM!! Love Match 🎉❤❤❤!! And I suddenly feel sick.
Or …nothing. And I can breathe again…
BOOM! Love Match 🎉❤❤❤!!!
At some point in my 33 years prior, this man let his thumb right swipe me. And now we are matched. Two thumbs of a similar mind. 95% love probability bestowed upon us by the Love Algorithms.
I am twitterpated.
I am nervous.
I think I’m in love.

And then I notice, he lives in California…

💔

Curse you Love Gods! Your cruel games SUCK!

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