Suffocation

I admit that I’ve never been one to choose the easy route. I’ve always made my own decisions and faced my own consequences. And its been a long haul. I have dragged myself, hands and knees, blood, sweat, and tears, through the mud, to the top of this life. And I’ve never turned back.

Its been challenging since turning 30. A small number in the grand scheme of things, but the highest one I’ve known. I’ve faced alot. I’ve dealt with alot. And I’ve grown alot.

And it routinely feels like at this point in my young, old life, people keep needing to tell me how to live my life. I can’t turn without feeling the pressure of some wall against me. Yet I am spinning and spinning and everything is still pressing in. I can’t even breath..

Power Ranger

Did a happy, victory air punch for a patient tday. He laughed and called me a Power Ranger. I decided, he had earned the right to one of my deepest, darkest secrets. That at one point in my long, adventurous life, I had actually BEEN a Power Ranger! I showed him this picture to prove it. He smiled with amazement! Alas, time and age forced me to hang my crime fighting spandex. Now, with the twinkle of purple in my eye (if I happen to be wearing my contacts) I save lives in a more socially acceptable outfit. But god damn you Giant Rubber Puppet Monsters, one tentacle out of line, and no pair of tight jeans will stop me kicking ass! …I might just have to go to the chiropractor after…

Super Heroes

We are built of the same stuff Super Heroes are built of. We want to heal the world. We have hearts that care. And though maybe not every battle is meant to be won, we do whatever it is we can. We take stock in the fact that we cared. That for a fraction of a lifetime, if only for that fraction of a lifetime, we gave people moments of compassion. And maybe they have never known one to care for and fight for their future. It is what makes us mighty. We are not given the tools to cure the ails we face every day, but we work with the moments we are given. We invest in their future and show them that they are not alone. They always say to leave work at work, but no one ever says anything about when work leaves you. When that door closes we do not simply shut off. We keep every life we touch, maybe not up front and present, but in the back on a shelf, full of cases, of lives. It is what gives us the strength to keep caring. What drives us to heal the world. What makes us the Super Heroes we are.. And that is something that I truly believe..

Me:

My hair is purple. I have a zipper on my neck and two balls on my tongue. I speak fluent sexual innuendo, geekinese, and movie quote. I have an irrational fear of giants, and jellyfish, and most especially giant jellyfish. I prefer knives over flowers, and beer with my icecream. Despite being short, I wear flat soled shoes so I can still sneak up on people. I will feign fear of bugs in order to stroke a male’s ego. I dislike babies because I can’t communicate with them, and they look at me like I’m the freak. I maintain the idea that I will one day get a Freak flag tattooed on the palm of my hand, so that when I receive such looks, I can proudly wave my Freak flag back at them…

Thanks from the dreamer

I sometimes think myself to be alone. Just spouting my words into the ether, to float along for a time unknown. But on occasion, I am reminded that I am not unseen. That You, in fact, are there, reading this now. That, though you may not choose to Like a post, or leave a Comment, that my words do not go unnoticed. And it is You, who approach and Like me in person and Comment to my face, who I am Thanking now. Thank You. Thank You from the bottom of my silly heart. For without your recognition and encouragement, I might have forgotten the dream..

Life. Cruelty.

​I had been striving so hard to push my own problems away, convincing myself the course was set and the outcome would be inevitable. I believe it to my core. And in doing so, I opened my heart up and made room for the troubles and problems of others. And they are so many… It felt like those first moments you step out of the darkened afternoon theater, into the sun, and your eyes can’t even take it all in. I can’t turn without a friend having a problem. And I can’t find my own breath without wanting, needing to make things right. And my confused, open heart, keeps breaking at the idea that the world can be so cruel and unfair to people who just don’t deserve it…

And there’s not much I can do to help it…

Korean pt 2

Today I timidly approached the small, elderly patient of mine when I realized she was crying. Not the loud sobbing sort of crying, but very silently, just letting the tears fall. The sure, fat tears that come with soul shattering pain. Her accent was thick, but the gist was, she felt descriminated against. She hid her face as she explained to me feeling like everyone hated her because they laughed at her. She took deep breaths as I asked her why she hadn’t told anyone. She had been on the unit for 3 weeks already. She finally met my eyes and asked me who she could tell, who she could trust. It was the very people assigned to take care of her who were the ones laughing at her. I didn’t know what to say. Regardless of whether anyone had really been laughing or not, or even been directing their laughter at her, it was the reality she had experienced. And then she told me that if she were ever to be hospitalized again, she would never come back to my hospital. And my heart broke. She had come into my life right when I needed her, when I needed to hear someone tell me how proud they are of me and the life I’ve lived. She had touched my heart with those 5 words. She had been on the unit for 3 weeks now, and yet I’d only known her for 3 days. And I hadn’t been able to return the favor. The one personal goal I live by, to bend over backwards to ensure my patients atleast feel comfortable and safe, I hadn’t done. This person who had touched me so deeply, I had failed. It broke my heart. And when she left, she gave me a long hug, never holding anything against me. We wished each other well, sincerely, and then she walked out of my life.

Thumbert

The kindly Mr. And Mrs. Hoskins had been being hassled by the local Mouse Pack Gang. After trying every Cheese in the fridge, it seemed it was time to call in This Guy. 

He had a known history of bringing in some real Snakes, and for never laying a paw on any Bird. 24 hrs on the job and things had already begun to shape up. The first night on the job he had to rough up one of there members, but the local Tea Towel swooped in to clean him up. The Mouse Pack Gang knew he meant business. Mr. And Mrs. Hoskins thanked him with lavish meals, “all in a cat’s work,” he mewed. But just to be safe, he figured hed stick around a few more days, just to be sure. 
His name is, Thumbert *cue heroic music*

My Letter

wanderer-above-a-sea-of-fog (2)

I used to think that the work we did throughout our lives somehow mattered. That hard work brought high reward. Maybe that was how it was 30 years ago. Or maybe it was just a misperception. I wanted to believe that I would one day look back on the hard decade behind me and appreciate all the hard work I put in. All the struggles and the tears and the sheer pain of it all. That here I am, at the top of this mountain, and now I can see everything, and the answers would become obvious.
I have always been the sort of person to accept the world as it comes to me. I’ve never gone out and sought it for myself. But right now, I am being given a choice. Tomorrow, I must choose a path. And neither path is easy. If I choose to sign this paper I’ve been given, I am relinquishing all rights I have to defend myself, I am relinquishing the freedom I have as an adult, and I am relinquishing my own sense of self worth. And if I don’t sign it, I am likely going to lose my license. Because the world is black and white. There is no place here for my creativity. I made a mistake, and I’m going to pay for it. And when I lose my license because I cared, and I was strong, and I fought for myself, possibly for the first time ever, my heart will break. Break with a pain I’ve never known, because I’ve only just now found a place I fully belong.
So don’t be surprised when the day comes I don’t show up. Know that it’s not because I was bad at my job, or that I hurt anyone, or that I caused real damage. Know that it’s because I wouldn’t allow them to choose the life I was to live. Know that I’ve reached the top and I can see everything. Deep in my heart I know exactly who the fuck I am, and I am going to live the life I choose.

Playground Heroes

..He insisted that we call him, “Robin Hood,” and each day he would zip his green sweatshirt up and pull his hood over his slightly mouse-like ears. And during lunch recess, he would dash through the small patch of trees just beyond the swing set, his younger brother quick upon his heels, “Little John,” he’d call him, as he proffered a yellow plastic drum stick in place of a giant (possibly dangerous) bludgeon. The small, trigger activated Nerf bow he took as his own weapon. And the two of them would pounce upon the group of unsuspecting 5th graders, over by the basketball courts, filching their rubber balls and plastic jump ropes, and dashing back into the thicket to return the loot back to his fellow 2nd graders hiding under the jungle gym on the far side of the playground. “All in a day’s work,” he’d say, after returning a blond pigtailed doll to the small girl with a face full of freckles and a slight lisp. He was a modern day playground hero. And when the 5th graders stole my soccer ball from me on one unusually overcast day, he called out, “Don’t worry M’lady! I’ll have that back in a jiffy!” as he dove down the slide, landing easily on both feet, and off he went, prancing into the trees leaving me standing alone. And all the rest of the 2nd graders slowly emerged from the jungle gym to watch as he pounced on the small group of soccer players. “He’th tho Bwaaaaaaave!” the small girl lisped from next to me. We all watched from behind the marry-go-round as the bright squishy nerf dart bounced off the left shoulder of that one, particularly-mean-looking-5th-grader known for stealing the 2nd grader’s milk money, and the occasional hanging by the elastic of one’s boxer shorts, for those he was particularly fond of. The attack was a mistake, the soccer players had surrounded Robin. There was nowhere for him to run. Little John attempted to cover my eyes, saying, “don’ wook,” but couldn’t reach my eyes with his fingers. Instead he shielded my lips from the gasp that tried to free itself. Realizing he was cornered, Robin stood boldly to face his fate with a brave face. He’d be hung by his shorts for sure! “Com’on guys!” a fellow 2nd grader named Will yelled, brandishing his fist and running to the basketball courts, Little John hot on his heels, wielding his yellow drum stick. It would be a most gruesome battle to save Robin (and my soccer ball). I watched from afar as the two parties were coming to a head, when a distant chime caused everyone to stop in their tracks. And had that one particularly-mean-looking-5th-grader not reluctantly dropped Robin, things might have turned out differently. Robin Hood might not have been there the very next recess to rescue our rubber balls and plastic jump ropes..

Backwards

I want to write to my birth mother to tell her the sort of woman I’ve become and how hard I’ve worked for it. I am already older that she was when she last saw me. I want her to tell me about what she has done with her life since then. I want to know if she also had a backwards life. If she ever managed to righten herself out. I want to know if she had the same heart as me. Having left her home in her mid twenties, a simple high school graduate, to earn money for them. Having met my father at the bar where she began working, more than ten years her senior, and the owner of the bar. Did she believe she was in love with this smart, older, business man when she accidentally got pregnant? Did her heart break when she discovered after a year of being together that he was married? Did she try to hang onto him before he left her alone in her 8th month of pregnancy? Did her heart break when she had to return home to her family with no other options? Did her heart break again, when after some months of hanging onto me, she realized she couldn’t keep me? Did her heart break as she eventually said goodbye to the baby she’d given a name to? Joo Yun Huh. Joo Yun, meaning something along the lines of Fat Pearl. (I will assume it is a term of endearment amongst Koreans of the deep south.) Family name Huh, pronounced Hoo. Who, how fitting. Who is my family? Who am I? Am I like her, with all my quirks and terrible man hunting skills? Do I look like her, with my dark eyes and fat nose? Does she have funny ears like I do? Does she have odd, bony fingers like I do? Is she beautiful and fearless like I am? Is she stubborn like I am? Does she have the same heart as me?