I wrote a letter to a discharging patient of mine. It said not to come back. But not in the sense that I don’t want to see her, in the sense that I want her to do so well outside that she doesn’t need to come back. That I want her to stop hurting herself. If she needs attention, or to feel something, to find a passion, because a fire in her soul would warm her from the inside out and she would find herself glowing. I want her to eat, because a full belly is the key to a happy heart. And I want her to stop being afraid of people, because there will always be jerks in the world, but there will always be good people too.. But I didn’t give it to her. I never do. I try to keep a distance. But as the shift was getting closer to its end, she got quieter and more anxious. And when the next shift came in, I held open my arms and we hugged. And when she pulled away she was crying. The truth was, I didn’t need to give her the letter. In the days that we worked together, she had stopped hurting herself, and had started eating, and had found at least one good person..
Author Archives: Rose
Rice and Beans Challenge
My last personal challenge was kind of expensive. So I thought I’d try to be thriftier by giving myself a Rice and Beans Challenge. Here’s what I came up with:
Day 1 – Gallo Pinto, Costa Rican Black Beans and Rice, with Soft Scrambled Eggs.
Day 2 – Louisiana Red Beans and Rice
Day 3 – Lebanese Beef Chili, with Lebanese Rice.
Day 4 – Rajma Masala, Indian Kidney Bean Curry.
Day 5 – Lubia Polo, Persian Green Beans and Rice.
Day 6 – Prik King, Thai Stir-Fried Green Beans, with Pork amd Kaffir Leaf.
Day 7 – Beef and Peppers in Black Bean Sauce, over Rice Noodles.
Day 7.5 – Siopao, Filipino Steamed Buns, made with Rice flour and filled wirh Sweet Red Bean Paste.
Things I learned: It’s okay to use canned beans sometimes. After work, starting a pot of beans from dry, I found myself eating dinner at 10 at night. Or worse, eating semi-uncooked beans, which apparently can cause food poisoning in some cases. (Did not happen to me, but my stomach was not tip-top after undercooked kidney beans.) When I finally made the choice to use canned, my world changed.
It was kind of fun to take the simple, money saving idea of Rice and Beans, and thinking about it in different ways. It doesn’t have to be boring. As you can see, you can go in alot of different directions.
On the Basis of Sex
So amazing. The sheer adversity, this tiny, vicious tiger of a woman, climbed mountains for her cause. And honestly, she had the most wonderful and supportive husband. She supported him, and herself both thru law school when he was diagnosed with cancer. And he supported and whole heartedly believed in her thru her career. And given a 5% chance of survival, he fought. He lived on for decades to support her, and was able to finally see her be appointed a Supreme Court Justice.
I fully admit, I have a hard time following politics, but i know human rights. And in this time, when it feels like our nation is falling apart, how can it not bring feelings of hope to know there are people in it like Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Where being Female, and being Asian feel more like a status than a truth, she fought for a change in the precident. And won.
Her life is too extraordinary. This film was just a snapshot. The beginning. Like the prequel to a most relevant and real Superhero.
(…and I teared up a little at the end…)
IKAA
In 2015 the documentary Twinsters came out. About two Korean girls adopted to separate families, and by random chance found eachother via the internet. The chances and specific elements that caused them to find eachother, in two completely different countries, were so slim and a bit, almost fantastical. But it’s the fantastical that makes the movie so moving and heartwarming. One grew up in California and the other in France. And it’s a perfect showing of how one develops by both Nature AND Nurture.
Quite frankly, I am a fan of all adoption stories. (I even find adoption stories in the most unlikely places. My favorite examples are Superman, and Mowgli, of The Jungle Book.) But what stuck with me the most about this movie was towards the end, when they finally went back to Korea together to attend a triennial conference bringing together Korean Adoptees. As I have always sort of grappled with my own adoption, more so for some reason since turning 30, this struck me as possibly the perfect way to move forward and explore that side of my life.
This past Christmas my family decided to up and do something completely different for us. We decided to spend it in Palm Springs, California. Which ended up having it’s challenges and its rewards. But I think I was ready to go home at the end of it.
While my parents breezed through Pre-Check at the airport, I slowly made my way through General security. I caught sight of an Asian woman far in front of me, and perhaps due to some Asian radar we have, she seemed to catch sight of me.
After I was finally through, my parents and I got much needed coffees and sat down to wait for our flight. I looked up and the Asian woman was seated one table over from us. And she easily began talking with us.
Her husband arrived with their own coffees and eventually she chanced asking me if I was a Korean Adoptee (adoption clear as my parents are both white.) and I told her yes. It turned out she was Korean and her husband was a Korean Adoptee. It further turned out that they were both heads of an organization called the International Korean Adoptee Association, IKAA, and it hosts a gathering in Korea triannually.
Even more kismet was, they remembered a girl coming all the way from Juneau, Alaska, the town where I grew up. My parents and I named a few, and bingo, one of the girls I grew up with, attending our own annual adoption group gathering, was the girl they remembered.
When we parted ways (not actually parting too far, as we were all going to Seattle,) they gave us an information packet on the next gathering in Korea, happening this very summer, 2019.
Later, back at home, I remembered the movie Twinsters, and wondered which gathering they had attended, thinking there must be bunches out there. I looked into it and, to my surprise, found that it was an IKAA gathering.
If I had never believed in Fate, or in signs, how could I ever deny this?
Three Identical Strangers
What an absolutely, absolutely facinating movie! What a roller coaster ride. The story of triplets, separated at birth, and adopted to 3 different families. And how they found eachother, almost fantastically.
But more than that, it is a movie that delves deep into the psychological aspects of adoption. The age old question of Nature vs. Nurture. And even the aspects of psychological disorder among adoptees. Separation issues, depression, etc.
But the deepest issue of all, how morally and ethically wrong, and Effed up psychology studies were half a century ago. The lengths we would go to just to better understand ourselves.
This might be boring for some, but this documentary was my cup of tea, and a biscuit on the side. Psychology, and Adoption, and the Psychology of Adoption..
Leave no Trace
Finally watched this one.
A father and daughter living in Forest Park, near Portland, Oregon. Filmed in various locations around Oregon itself.
Based on a book. The author admits to basing it on a real story. He’d read a newspaper article about a father and daughter found living in Forest Park. Another article came out saying they had been relocated to a farm, the father had work, and the daughter was to start middle school. Happy ending. But then a third article came out about how they had vanished. He never heard anything more. And out of his own need to find this story’s resolution, he wrote My Abandonment, which was then made into the movie Leave No Trace..
But isnt that the most glorious motivation of a true writer? To seek out endings…
Holiday Vacation Epilogue
The bilingual pooch we met at the airport. I had seen this dog going thru security while I was standing in line. After sitting down with our coffees, I looked up to see this dog again, with its two owners. An Asian woman and man. We struck up conversation and come to find out the three of us were all Korean. They were able to correctly deduce that I was adopted, as I was seated with my (white) parents. Then they told us that they were the founders and organizers of a group called the International Korean Adoptee Association, who get together for a conference in Seoul every three years. It’s something I’ve been thinking very strongly about doing. Attending an adoptee conference in Korea. We talked about how we are from Juneau, AK and that growing up, I was a part of a large group of Korean Adoptees. Come to find out they knew and had hosted one of the very girls from that group! They gave us information on the upcoming conference this coming summer. And then we were kicked out of the area we’d been drinking our coffee in. But it goes to show how small this world really is, and how open we can all really be.
Holiday Vacation Day fin (aka Day 9)
The longest trip home… You get in line to go thru security at the airport, weaving back and forth, all the while TSA checkers are remind you to take your electronics out of your bags, to take off your coats, remove your shoes, etc… You hear them run thru the schpeal 4 times before you get to the front. And even once you get there, people are asking if they need to take their electronics out of their bags, if they need to take off their coats, if they need to remove their shoes, etc… It’s next year by the time I get thru security, and mom already has coffees (they went thru the VIP pre check line…) We find some tables and chairs outside and drink our coffee. Until a woman comes and, not so kindly tells us to shove off as this is her Bar and NOT a part of the coffee shop… When we board the plane it’s about 11:15AM. I buckle my seatbelt and the plane turns. Just enough to put me directly in the sun, and the engine cuts. Sorry folks, air traffic is a mess and it’s going to be a bit before we are cleared to take off. The flight attendants pass thru with water, but I’ve passed out from boredom… and heat stroke. Our flight is only supposed to be 2.75 hours, but we’ve already been sitting on the plane for an hour before we get off the ground. Take off was like flying thru a storm, a couple folks letting out yelps and gasps. More importantly, the 3 or 4 infants onboard begin to scream. I pass out again. When we finally hit the ground its 330PM. We roll to our gate, everyone jumps up, and we stop. Sorry folks, there’s something wrong with our gate and they need to make a few adjustments before we can open the cabin doors. Mom and Dad are the last ones off. When we reach baggage claim our bags are all sitting in a line. Dad calls a shuttle for us and we wait outside for what feels like an hour. I stomp my feet to stay warm. The shuttle driver comments that we all look grumpy. We get to our car and dad says the wait for the ferry across the channel is 90 minutes, we plan to drive thru Tacoma and across the bridge. Mom notes it’s 500PM. The 1.75 hr drive home takes 2.5. We get home at 730PM. The longest trip home..
Painted Canyon day
3 hour hike thru sand and canyons, climbing ladders, and rappelling down ropes, and at one point, even crawling on hands and knees… and not one chipped nail.
And after a long hike, I like a nice beer and a wet burrito..
Holiday Vacation Day 6
So here’s a real story. Jeggings. They’re really actually the worst. You try them on at the store and they fit great, and you feel great, and look at that butt! So you buy them. I mean, that butt! The first day you wear them, you’re feelin great. Then halfway thru the day, you catch sight of yourself in the mirror, turn, and where the hell did your ass go?! Your jeggings have gone all saggy and your butt has vanished!
But more importantly… We were all dipping our feet in the hot tub one morning. I was wearing jeggings. And in an effort to not get the cuffs wet, I rolled them up. But because of how tight they were, I had to roll them up to just over my calves and under my knees. No big deal, feet in the tub, cuffs dry. Well, I didn’t expect the heat of the tub to expand my legs. I couldn’t get my pant legs back down! And after walking back into the house, I was actually afraid they were going to have to cut my legs off. I flopped onto the bed with one leg in the air while my mom wrestled with each pant leg for five minutes, til finally they were down! Uh, lesson learned, jeggings and hot tubs don’t mix…
It wasn’t until much later that I realized the damned jeggings had given me these stupid tan lines! Curse you, jeggings!
Holiday Vacation Day 5
I love the Zoo. There is something about a zoo that can make you forget yourself.
Forget the sounds of traffic, of checking your emails, of the hustle and bustle.
It is just the excitement and awe of seeing animals.
Animals you may never see naturally in your entire life.
It is being surrounded by predators and prey.
It is innocence.
The zoo is a whole world, separate and distant from our every day world.
It is a place that feels magical to me, because it can show you how big this world really is,
and just how small we really are.
Holiday Vacation Day 4
8,500 feet above sea level. Near the top of San Jacinto Peak. The Palm Springs Aerial Tramway. It harkened a bit to the days of the Mount Roberts Tramway back home in Alaska. Only less pine trees and Ocean. We traveled at what felt like breakneck speed, in a tram car with a rotating bottom. Swiveling around in slow circles while the woman next to me eeked and oohed at every gust of wind, and threatened to puke on her boyfriend (even though he was behind her and she was facing me…) At the top it felt like being at the top of a ski slopes, complete with screaming children, cheap french fries, and snow. And we hiked a bit down thru the snow, the only snow we’d see this Xmas season, watching children sled, actually sled, because somehow, they got sleds 8,500 up a tram to the snow. And then my blood sugar dropped and I hiked back to the lodge for fear I’d drop, wishing there was a fast lane and a slow lane for going back up, but getting stuck behind folks grabbing branches to use as walking sticks to help haul themselves back up to the lodge.. Cheap french fries to the rescue. And on the way back down they played Baby, I Need Your Lovin, instead of the dry, prerecorded instructions for safe viewing at the top, and perhaps it was the lack of oxygen, but I swear we all sang along, as we dropped back down into the sun, into the desert..
Holiday Vacation Day 3
(Skipped yesterday…)
I’ve been trying to think of what to say that wasn’t so bitter. This place is so strange to me though. It gives me a headache. Or perhaps it’s all the sun. Or perhaps it’s dehydration. But my head hurts. This place where you have leisurely mornings in your room with your clean sheets and fresh towels. Where you head to the nearest Starbucks for your coffee. Then go to your favorite establishment for a well cooked meal. And it’s great, it’s Vacation! But in this Build The Wall day and age, people can’t even see who it is that’s changing their sheets, making their coffee, bringing them their food. This town seems to be held up by the heavy hispanic population. This desert, that’s more interested in maintaining the greenest lawn, hotels with lagoons so large they start inside the lobby itself, and Quick Quack Car Washes on every corner… Maybe if I spent more time here I’d grow to understand it better, but just now, I don’t… but it’s only day 3…
Holiday Vacation Day 1
Holiday Vacation Day 1
It’s so dirty here. Like really dirty. Not in the sense that, yes, I am surrounded by dirt. But in the sense that there is trash EVERYWHERE. One expects to see tumble weeds rolling down the street, old west style. Instead I see old cups and papers tumbling down the street. Like some dead, ghost town. A zombie movie with hundreds of the walking dead (aka geezers…) I keep wondering why they don’t have prisoners doing community service, but then I remember that it’s the middle of December and it’s 75 degrees out. One can’t quite imagine a hand full of felons meandering down the highway in prison issue orange shorts and tanks… We drove around in a surprising amount of circles, for as many perfect right angles the streets around here form. We made it to downtown Palm Springs where we stopped into the ritziest hotel for a bathroom break, then down the street past odd shops, where I bought a pair of Fucci sunglasses (fake Gucci). Mom was sucked into the bowels of an Italian skincare shop, where they melted the wrinkles from her eyes. And a van popped a tire, which was apparently the most exciting thing to happen in centuries, judging by the crowed it attracted… This place is weird… but it’s only day 1.
Holiday Vacation Day .5
So it was a little weird. In all those Victorian movies, people head to Bath. To take in the water and rejuvinate themselves. Maybe that’s what Palm Springs is like. Where all these old people sitting next to me at the gate go to rejuvinate. Maybe the dry air and sun help melt the chill from their bones… I wonder to myself as I watch 9 people require pre boarding wheelchair escorts to the aircraft. Or maybe money just means you don’t have to use your feet anymore. And I take my seat by the window and there are two old ladies infront of me, and old man next to me, and two more old ladies behind me. And all I smell is expensive perfume. I try to nap, but can’t. Instead I chug thru my easy reading book. One of those Chocolate Chip Cookie Murders, but with ghosts, and a full cast of movie star attractive characters, and cheesy dialogue. The flight is short and a glance out my window shows brown. Brown. Brown. I think I see the town below, but all the buildings are brown. Each tiny building with its own blue dot. Swimming pools. And then as we decend, I realize they’re not tiny houses, they’re huge houses. I watch the flaps extend on the flimsy looking wing of the plane, they rattle and bounce up and down, and I wonder if it’ll snap off. Plunging us into the dry desert sand below. The last thing I’ll see are huge rich people homes, and a nose full of old lady perfume… but we don’t. We touch, not so gently, down and the flight attendant welcomes us to Palm Springs, and I remember I just landed in California, not on Mars..
Ma Vie en Rose 